01 February 2008

Frohe Weihnachten (or Merry Christmas 2007)

You’re probably trying to figure out the German angle right about now. The answer: there is no angle. Do we speak German? No. German ancestry? Not really. We simply wanted to begin a tradition of different Christmas themes from year to year.

Christmas 2007: German Post Modern Intellectualism (yes, Leigh went along with this!) Or at least our conception of it. If you would like to play along at home please acquire the following:
· Black turtle neck
· Appropriate eye wear
· Monkey (absolutely critical!)
· Plenty of hair gel
· Eccentric German name

Look bored and disaffected and quote Kafka as much as possible, while claiming you’re from some random German city like Baden-Baden. Combine this look and attitude with all your regular Christmas traditions for a new spin on an old theme. Any takers? Really? Just us? Okay then.

With that out of the way, let’s walk through the line up:

Luke (4 months):

Quotable: No quotes, just noises…loud grunting-like noises, usually at 2:00 in the morning. Since Mom and Dad now require ear plugs to sleep at night, the house is wide open to looting and all forms of unmitigated destruction by local hooligans (i.e. University of Utah students and alumni.)

Number four child AND number four boy (one needs a spare, just in case.) A bit lazy compared to the other boys, as all he does is lie around all day and hit the bottle.

Charlie (3):

Quotable: Sam, holding a bottle asks Charlie, “Charlie, can you feed Luke?” Charlie continuing to play and not paying attention, “No…I don’t have boobs.” Boobs indeed!

Charlie likes to tell people to “shut up.” It’s his nuclear option to put an end to any uncomfortable or displeasing conversation.

You: “How’s it going Charlie?” Charlie: “Shut up.”

You: “Nice shirt Charlie.” Charlie: “Shut up.”

You: “How about those Jazz Charlie?” Charlie: “Shut up.”

You: “Any thoughts on the Iowa primaries Charlie?” Charlie: “Yes, clearly with Romney’s superb campaign organization he’ll be able to effectively turn out his base despite the cold weather and negative polling by his challengers, this should sufficiently cap the aggressiveness of Huckabee’s late surge. Combine this with an Obama victory, and New Hampshire should prove an interesting race…and SHUT UP!”

Sam (5):

Quotable: “Can I have money to buy tattoos?”

Sam currently has the stickiest fingers in the west. For him all property is community property. He can often be found going through work bags, purses, pockets or any receptacle that may house cash and coin. When caught in the act the response is always the same, “I was just looking at your money.” Yeah…right. We’ve threatened jail time, but this may not be much of a deterrent considering the number of successfully escaped convicts in Utah this year.

Jack (7):

Quotable: “Hey, Mom, when I was playing, and there was this guy, and he had all the weapons, and he could beat up the other guys, and he could do kicks, and the other people were scared, and I wanted the cowboy guy to fight the Indian guy…ad infinitum”

Based on his interests, Jack’s all boy. These include, blow guns, swords, bows and arrows, knives, ninjas, cowboys, etc. He enjoys leading the other boys in battle royale downstairs, which from upstairs sounds like wild boars being let loose in a ring full of pit bulls. The battle participants will often run upstairs in tears to complain of the injustice that befell them during the melee, only to return to the fray shortly thereafter to reclaim their honor. Leigh’s careful to call the game before neighbors call on local police to calm things down.


Quotable: “Would you stop buying crap!” (in relation to Dan’s quotable below)

As you can tell this letter highlights the oddities and eccentricities of the H. brood. This is because Leigh has ventured full speed into the blogosphere going 45 mph in the fast lane with her left turn signal on…no wait that would be the Rolling Stones tour bus (#2 on the most overrated bands of all time.) If you want to know what’s really going in our house forget the tabloids and go directly the source at http://leighleighlumpkin.blogspot.com/ Leigh will keep you fully informed, educated and sometimes dismayed through her reporting.

Besides blogging, Leigh continues down the path of exploring her artistic side while still containing “the furies.” Jewelry, quilts, hats, smoking jackets (don’t’ ask) and “birthin babies” (is that an art?), she does it all.


Quotable: “Hey Leigh I think I need fill in the blank.” Suitable responses include: Olympic gymnastic rings, DVDs on how to properly perform a clean and jerk and/or snatch, more spandex (for mountain biking…I swear!), bigger or smaller jeans depending on where he is in the binging and purging cycle throughout the year (binging at the moment), books (lots of books) and a snake with a derby and a sweater vest.

Apparently, due to the Schwarzeneggeresque levels of testosterone coursing through Dan’s veins, only boys can spring forth from the Hansen loins. This testosterone is put to good use through his athletic pursuits (i.e. mountain biking, lifting, etc.) that curiously enough do not always lead to a leaner frame. Science would suggest it has something due to with his large caloric intake, but Dan doesn’t put much stock in this so called ”nutritional science.” If loving Ben and Jerry’s is wrong, I don’t want to be right!

We hope the fat man in the red suit brought you much holiday cheer this season and be sure to clean up after your monkey!

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